Get Your Glow Back – Episode 31 – With Kate Moyle

Get Your Glow Back – Episode 31 – With Kate Moyle

On today’s episode we covered one of the most important topics out there – SEX. I loved chatting to the amazing Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist and have been so excited to share this episode with you. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

How to improve your sex life

Communication is lubrication – communication is the single most important factor for a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life.

We can’t expect our partners to be telepathic. It’s best to assume your partner knows nothing about you and you have to educate them.

Building the confidence to communicate – education, understanding what people are saying about sex, what you agree with or don’t and getting to know your own body through sensual touch and finding out what feels good to you. 

Spicing up your relationship

Explore together, invest together in your sexual wellbeing and talk in a positive way, go on a date night, try a sex toy (choose together) and be on the same page. 

Doesn’t need to be extreme – try one different thing every time, lighting, toys, location, position. 

Tune out to turn on – focus on what’s going on in the moment, the biggest killer to sex is distraction, make sure you are comfortable and calm, your brain will always prioritise anxiety over arousal. 

Healing from a traumatic sexual experience 

Depends on the individual

psychosexual therapy can create a safe space to deal with trauma.

to find a psychosexual therapist the accrediting body COSRT have a directory of therapists here

Identifying your triggers and your ‘nos’ and communicating those to your partner so you don’t retraumatise yourself 

Don’t be afraid to say no 

The female orgasm

Both a psychological and physiological experience 

If we are in our heads we aren’t in our bodies, you will find it hard to achieve orgasm when you are distracted by thoughts.

Most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation 

Not all about intercourse, foreplay is important for getting our bodies ready for arousal 

Focussing on trying to orgasm can prevent orgasm because it can create performance anxiety and you aren’t enjoying the experience but focussing on a goal. 

Anticipation is the best natural lubricant 

Sex should be playful and creating that anticipation can really help 

The invisible bikini – practice touching each other for 20 minutes without going inside the lines of ‘an invisible bikini’ 

Self exploration is really important for learning what you like to take that back into the bedroom with your partner 

Mindful sex – going from brain to body 

Tuning out to turn on – closing the door on everyday life and open the door to sexuality. 

If your mind keeps wandering during sex divert attention to physical sensations – what can you feel, hear, smell, see. 

Ferly app – an app for mindful sex with meditations  

How often should we having sex? 

Up to the couple, its about the quality not quantity 

Don’t use the amount of sex you are having as a measure of your relationship

Sex and intimacy are separate concepts 

Mismatched libido

Most couples have a mismatch in libido 

What does that experience mean for both partners

Is the partner who is avoiding sex avoiding all intimacy with the initiating partner 

Does the partner with the higher libido feel rejected because all advances are rejected for fear of sex even if they just want intimacy

It comes back to communication

Mismatch in desires

Your partner will know when you aren’t enjoying something

Establish what it is you are trying to achieve and find a simple way to experience that that you will both enjoy 

Pain during sex

If you are experiencing pain during sex seek help don’t ignore it

How has technology changed our sex lives?

Sex is constantly available on our iphones and there are no limits

The issue is that pornography is not designed to be educational but young people are using it to fill in the gaps left behind by sex education in schools

The birds and the bees chat with kids

Make it 100s of conversations

have sex as an allowed topic of conversation  to not create shame around sex.

Shame thrives in silence.

In holland 5 year olds are given sex ed and have lowest rates of child pregnancy, healthy attitude to sex. 

Post-natal sex: 

‘sign – off’ is scary, actually just listen to your own body, you don’t have to have sex after 6 weeks

all other forms of sex and still available you don’t have to have penetrative sex if you aren’t ready

Use lubricant as breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness and your hormones will be different 

Your partner is probably nervous too so talk about it and re-establishing sensual contact without sex

Scheduled sex

It’s good to put time aside from sex, you don’t have to schedule exactly what you are going to do in that scheduled time but it’s good to put time aside to invest in your relationship and to connect and have fun. 

Give yourself a do not disturb space – no tech! 

Sex toys 

There are so many out there, have a look and see what appeals to you and what doesn’t 

Start with something simple 

If you want to use it with your partner look together

Resources:

Ferly – sexual exercises and mindful sex, sexy headspace

Dipsea stories – audio erotica

Girl on the net – sex blogger and writer

Bish – sex education for over 14s

Sex on the couch – Kate’s BBC programme looking at sex therapy

Where to find Kate:

Instagram

Website

Twitter

Follow me on Instagram @madeleine_shaw_

Instagram

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