Get Your Glow Back – Episode 31 – With Kate Moyle
On today’s episode we covered one of the most important topics out there – SEX. I loved chatting to the amazing Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist and have been so excited to share this episode with you. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
How to improve your sex life
Communication is lubrication – communication is the single most important factor for a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life.
We can’t expect our partners to be telepathic. It’s best to assume your partner knows nothing about you and you have to educate them.
Building the confidence to communicate – education, understanding what people are saying about sex, what you agree with or don’t and getting to know your own body through sensual touch and finding out what feels good to you.
Spicing up your relationship
Explore together, invest together in your sexual wellbeing and talk in a positive way, go on a date night, try a sex toy (choose together) and be on the same page.
Doesn’t need to be extreme – try one different thing every time, lighting, toys, location, position.
Tune out to turn on – focus on what’s going on in the moment, the biggest killer to sex is distraction, make sure you are comfortable and calm, your brain will always prioritise anxiety over arousal.
Healing from a traumatic sexual experience
Depends on the individual
psychosexual therapy can create a safe space to deal with trauma.
to find a psychosexual therapist the accrediting body COSRT have a directory of therapists here
Identifying your triggers and your ‘nos’ and communicating those to your partner so you don’t retraumatise yourself
Don’t be afraid to say no
The female orgasm
Both a psychological and physiological experience
If we are in our heads we aren’t in our bodies, you will find it hard to achieve orgasm when you are distracted by thoughts.
Most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation
Not all about intercourse, foreplay is important for getting our bodies ready for arousal
Focussing on trying to orgasm can prevent orgasm because it can create performance anxiety and you aren’t enjoying the experience but focussing on a goal.
Anticipation is the best natural lubricant
Sex should be playful and creating that anticipation can really help
The invisible bikini – practice touching each other for 20 minutes without going inside the lines of ‘an invisible bikini’
Self exploration is really important for learning what you like to take that back into the bedroom with your partner
Mindful sex – going from brain to body
Tuning out to turn on – closing the door on everyday life and open the door to sexuality.
If your mind keeps wandering during sex divert attention to physical sensations – what can you feel, hear, smell, see.
Ferly app – an app for mindful sex with meditations
How often should we having sex?
Up to the couple, its about the quality not quantity
Don’t use the amount of sex you are having as a measure of your relationship
Sex and intimacy are separate concepts
Most couples have a mismatch in libido
What does that experience mean for both partners
Is the partner who is avoiding sex avoiding all intimacy with the initiating partner
Does the partner with the higher libido feel rejected because all advances are rejected for fear of sex even if they just want intimacy
It comes back to communication
Mismatch in desires
Your partner will know when you aren’t enjoying something
Establish what it is you are trying to achieve and find a simple way to experience that that you will both enjoy
Pain during sex
If you are experiencing pain during sex seek help don’t ignore it
How has technology changed our sex lives?
Sex is constantly available on our iphones and there are no limits
The issue is that pornography is not designed to be educational but young people are using it to fill in the gaps left behind by sex education in schools
The birds and the bees chat with kids
Make it 100s of conversations
have sex as an allowed topic of conversation to not create shame around sex.
Shame thrives in silence.
In holland 5 year olds are given sex ed and have lowest rates of child pregnancy, healthy attitude to sex.
‘sign – off’ is scary, actually just listen to your own body, you don’t have to have sex after 6 weeks
all other forms of sex and still available you don’t have to have penetrative sex if you aren’t ready
Use lubricant as breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness and your hormones will be different
Your partner is probably nervous too so talk about it and re-establishing sensual contact without sex
It’s good to put time aside from sex, you don’t have to schedule exactly what you are going to do in that scheduled time but it’s good to put time aside to invest in your relationship and to connect and have fun.
Give yourself a do not disturb space – no tech!
There are so many out there, have a look and see what appeals to you and what doesn’t
Start with something simple
If you want to use it with your partner look together
Ferly – sexual exercises and mindful sex, sexy headspace
Dipsea stories – audio erotica
Girl on the net – sex blogger and writer
Bish – sex education for over 14s
Sex on the couch – Kate’s BBC programme looking at sex therapy